How to make a liar stop lying? Is there an NLP technique you can use? Interesting question!
How to make a liar stop lying
A former student asked me the question, what are some of the lies told by students inside an NLP training? How do I make a liar stop lying?
Lies in NLP training
Biggest lies told inside an NLP training
After training over 2500 students inside NLP trainings, I have heard some massive lies. The biggest lies, though thankfully rare, that are told inside my trainings are usually financial. It is typically in a situation where the liar tells a lie about their income or the clients they have – not because of their self-esteem (or lack, thereof), but to convince other students to buy something from them. Is this deception? I will leave that up to you to judge. Luckily, there isn’t much I need to do about these types of liars, as my students are typically intelligent and intuitive enough to discern when someone is not being above-board with them .
Ultimately, it is sad for the liar. It is hard to achieve connection, be in a space of vulnerability, authenticity, acceptance, and gain respect from other students when you aren’t coming from a place of honesty and integrity.
Common lies told inside an NLP training
What is more common are the lies people tell themselves, and therefore, others. These usually are fairly easy to debunk. I only recommend this if there is a value to it that is transformative and kind.
I know what other people are feeling
For instance “I was born with the ability, to feel what other people are feeling” can easily be debunked by asking if the person knows how you are feeling. That’s a little blunt. Usually what the person is really telling me that there was something installed in their childhood that taught them to be hyper-sensitive to another person’s feelings – typically for survival or self-preservation purposes. Usually, it is about a pain impulse that would be inflicted if the person, as a child, wasn’t aware of their parent’s emotions. Think of the parent with anger management issues set off by a stressful day at work, or under the influence of alcohol or substances that causes them to have the inability to process irritation. Other times the student is telling me that they are not capable of feeling what they feel, and don’t know how to protect themselves from the emotions of others.
What are the different kinds of lies we tell?
One type of lie is a white lie, which is a minor falsehood that typically isn’t meant to hurt anyone. These kinds of lies are often told with the intention of avoiding confrontation or sparing someone’s feelings. For example, if a friend asks you how they look in an outfit you don’t like, you might choose to tell them they look nice regardless instead of telling the truth.
Another type of lie is an exaggeration lie, which involves stretching the truth beyond its actual state in order to make someone believe something more than what is true. People often exaggerate things such as their accomplishments or their financial successes in order to appear more successful than they actually are.
A third type of lie is a bold-faced lie, which involves lying directly and blatantly about something that could easily be proven wrong. These kinds of lies often take place among close friends and family members as it requires trust for them to be believed without question. For example, lying about having finished an assignment when you haven’t would count as this kind of lie.
Finally, there is an omission lie which entails withholding information from another person so that they think something else entirely is true when it really isn’t the case. This kind of lying requires selection and manipulation over what details one chooses not to share with others rather than lying outright about something specific. Omission lies are commonly used by people who want to avoid talking about certain topics such as financial struggles or personal issues they may have been dealing with recently.
How to make a liar stop lying, what NLP techniques should you use?
Inside this NLP technique it is wise to pay attention to the NLP pyramid of change, as well as being aware of the NLP model of communication. If you don’t know what these are, don’t worry, just use the following NLP techniques. Trust the process!
– Pick the right environment to expose the liar.
– Make sure it is just the two of you.
– Find a safe place.
– A place void of heightened negative emotions – wait for these to process, or use NLP techniques to change or reduce them.
Remember you are always verbally and non-verbally eliciting a state, meaning you are always giving someone a feeling with your communication – whether you are aware of this or not.
You need to make the liar more comfortable telling the truth. If they don’t feel safe, they will maintain their lie. This is especially true for people with narcissistic tendencies.
– Step into their shoes (the 2nd perceptual position of NLP, see, hear and feel what they do.)
– Adopt a gentle and soft tone.
-Adopt non-threatening non-verbal body language.
– If they appear relaxed and calm, adopt their body position – build rapport.
– Downplay the lie they are telling.
– Avoid direct accusations.
– Use silences (they make liars uncomfortable)
Skills and capabilities
Ask them what happened in different ways. The best NLP techniques to use here is using the meta-model questioning.
– Who specifically?
– What specifically?
– How specifically?
– According to whom is this true?
– What if X is what happened?
A liar tends to keep saying the same thing over and over, like a standard or “canned” response.
The reverse of the NLP Meta-model
List all the facts in detail of what you think really happened. It is important to remain factual. The way you can prepare is to ask yourself the meta-model questions.
Avoid assumptions, beliefs, value judgments, mindreading (pretending to know what they are thinking and feeling) etc.
Values and beliefs
Make sure that you can remain true to your own values, but beware of limiting beliefs you may have. When we feel wounded, we start behaving like children which is counterproductive here.
Get a sense of what value or positive intent the liar is trying to meet by telling the lie. Make sure they can meet their value in some other way than telling the lie. For example, if someone lies to gain respect or safety. Make sure they feel respected and safe.
– Attacking them or their loved ones.
– Negative identity statements (you are a liar, a narcissist, etc.)
– Psycho-analysis and pop psychology (including digging into someone’s past, inner child, ego-self)
– Indicating someone has a disorder like narcissistic personality disorder, sociopath, etc,
– Let them know they are good a person.
– That you care for their well-being.
– That you love them (if that’s true.)
Just because someone lies, doesn’t mean that they are rotten to the core. A good person is perfectly capable of telling a lie. Avoid turning a few situations into a theory, or worse – a diagnosis. There is much more to this person than the lies they tell you.
Try to appeal to their morality and decency.
Make it clear they are harming someone.
Lying, by Sam Harris
Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics & Marriage, by Paul Ekman, Ph.D
The Truth About Lies, by Aja Raden
We are looking for a former student willing to write an article about lying or how to make a liar stop lying.