How to say no, is a question often asked in our NLP training and coaching sessions.

Here are some tips how you can handle this as a coach, or alternatively if you are the one whom needs to know how to say no.

How to say no:

1.  People seem to pretend that this word is not part of their vocabulary, as if they are physically, linguistically or grammatically unable to get the word out of their mouth. Challenge them on this in  a fun way.  You are challenging a belief that they have, and when they think of it more closely….the statement “I can’t say no”, is rediculous. (As they just said the word.) They know perfectly well how to say no.

2.  Explore why the client can’t say no, “pleasing other people.” However, promising something we can not deliver would have a worse result then saying no. As would neglecting yourself, and loved ones. There is a great benefit to learning how to say no.

3.  Explore that saying no is something that earns you respect. Only pushovers and people that can be walked over (and in a sense do not love and respect themself) can’t say no. Saying no can earn more respect, then saying yes in many situations.

3.  Ask the client the question: “What would happen if you did say no?” Often we think the world comes to an end if we do or do not do something. Upon closer inspection, nothing happens, no one will divorce us, leave us, fire us, get angry with us, and the sun is likely to come up tomorrow.  Knowing how to say no, is really going to improve life this way.

4. Ask again: “What would happen if you did say no, that is beneficial to you?” Your client will come with a host of reasons, how it would benefit them and perhaps others they care about. For instance a parent who can not say no to his or her boss, may be taking time away from the children. Alternatively, not saying knowing at all to children, probably is not the best way to raise a healthy individual.

5. Giving a “conditional yes” is still better then saying “yes.” For instance saying:
- “I’ll do it, if it takes no more then 5 minutes.”
- “I’ll do it, if you help me.”
- “I can’t do it this time, and will do it next time.”
- “I’ll be able to help you, Friday next week.” (Chances are they are going to find someone else.)
-”I’ll do it, if you do X for me.”

6.  If it is a boss, ask:
- “Is this a priority over that other  project I am doing. Where in the priority hierarchy does it belong?” (It prevents having to do two things at the same time.)
- “You can do everything, yet not to your  usual standards.” 

8. Make your saying yes becomes very unattractive to the other party so they’ll ask someone else, by indicating:
- You are not the best person for the job.
- Have time in your schedule next week, or even two.
- Have no experience doing it.
- Would do something, in exchange for something else.
- That you’ll get back to him/her about  it (the good old stalling technique.)

9.  If you know before hand that a question is coming for you to do something for someone else. Prepare your answer up front. Both in terms of how you are going to say no, what you are going to say, in what tone, and with what body language. (Practice.)

10. Experiment and see what type of reaction yourl client will really get when he/she says something like: “I am so sorry, I really have no time, I am so overloaded as it is. Please ask me next time though, as I may be able to help then.”
Your client may think the world will end by saying this, yet when testing it out find out that it doesn’t. Not even near. Your clients often do not even know, what the response to saying no actually is. And end up discovering that it is really no big deal.

11. In terms of tasking clients, you could ask them to say “no” to something they ordinarily would have said yes to, 3 times before the next session. And make note, of what the response of the other person was, and how it made your clients life easier and different by not helping or doing something.

Some of the above are general coaching techniques, others are part of the meta model questioning, as part of NLP.

For more information:
Life Coach Training
What is NLP

And remember, 90% of your work as a coach falls or stands on information gathering. Make sure you can spot the client whom doesn’t know how to say no.

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